Stand Up to Bullying

Perched on the edge of the George Washington Bridge, 212 feet above the Hudson River, Tyler Clementi, a newly enrolled freshman at Rutgers University, peered into the abyss that had been his life - and jumped. Though he never self-identified as gay, his roommate, Dharun Ravi, believed him to be. Using his computer, Ravi videotaped a sexual encounter between Tyler and a male lover. He then posted it online, subjecting Tyler to public scrutiny. On that fateful night, September 22, 2010, Tyler jumped to his death, after posting on Facebook that he was sorry he would be committing suicide.



When Dharun Ravi was sentenced—to 30 days in prison—I was hoping to get relief from my obsession with the sad, sad case of the Rutgers freshman who spied on his roommate. But I am still haunted as I read the stories and then the comments, which bleed with hatred and vitriol. Hatred for Dharun. Hatred for Tyler. Hatred for the families. Every aspect of this case and how we are approaching this feels wrong, wrong, wrong.

I have no immediate knowledge of any of the parties involved. But I did know a teenager who committed suicide. Emily went to my high school and my college. Every time I read about Dharun and Tyler, I think about my last conversation with Emily. And every time I think about that conversation, I wish I could press the reset button and say the right things, instead of what were most certainly, the wrong things. I think regrets like this may be one of our collective obsessions with time travel, which plays such a big role in so many works of fiction and film, from Star Trek to Men in Black 3. If we could go back and change something in the past, would the future turn out differently?

Emily was not the victim of any hate crime (as far as I know). She was not bullied (as far as I know). Here’s what I do know. Her parents were Holocaust survivors. She was smart in a quiet, contemplative, not show-offy way. She one of the nicest people I ever knew. She sailed through our competitive high school, the Bronx High School of Science, without seeming to compete at all.

I didn’t know Emily before high school, and we didn’t hang out a lot together even then, but I have a few distinct memories. I remember riding the subway with her. I remember having lost or not being able to obtain a book I needed for social studies. She gave me hers and wouldn’t let me refuse or return it.

I remember talking to her about what we wanted to do when we were older. I wanted to be a writer—always, I said. She wanted to write, too—but more specifically to adapt classics or mythology at a level that people with mental challenges could read. She volunteered with people who were mentally challenged and it bothered her that they would give them childish books that didn’t inspire them. She wanted them to be able to read something wonderful and stimulating at a reading level they could process.

I was always a little humbled in her presence.

When we both got into the same college, I was excited about this new door that was about to open and asked her if she was, too. She said she wasn’t. I was puzzled. And when I looked into her eyes I couldn’t help thinking, She looks trapped. That was my big insight that flitted in my head and flitted away, not to return until after her death. She feels trapped because she can’t justify turning this down. It was an offer she couldn’t’ refuse. But if high school was competitive, this was going to be high school on steroids.

I didn’t see much of Emily at school. It was a big school and I spent a lot of time with my books and my own personal dramas. But this is what I remember. We were approaching finals and she reached out to ask me to join her for lunch in her house dining room (we belonged to different houses). She seemed stressed out about finals. She started telling me she was struggling. And I cut her off to complain about how heartless everyone was and no one cared about anyone and on and on and on. She got quiet and I eventually noticed and tapered off.

I got through my finals of course. I always did. I complained a lot (I always did), but they were fine as usual. Back in school in the fall, almost as an afterthought, I asked about Emily, thinking I would ask her to lunch this time. You haven’t heard? Heard what?, I asked. Emily went under her desk and wouldn’t come out for finals. She wouldn’t take them.They expelled her. Emily ended up in a mental facility. She came home on a weekend pass and she killed herself.
I was in a state of shock. Decades later, I still am.

In the immediate aftermath, my grief overwhelmed me. I tried to find out everything I could about her. This annoyed one girl who had grown up with her. You hardly even knew Emily, she said. Certainly not as well as I did. Which was true. Which also added to my guilt and my grief. Why didn’t I take the time to know her better? Why did I talk so much at that lunch? Why didn’t I listen? Maybe I could have picked up on something that was going so horribly wrong inside her. Maybe I could have shifted the trajectory. Maybe with the right words, or by alerting the right people I could have helped her avert tragedy.

One of the elements of Tyler’s story that pulls at my heart was that he had very few friends. When things hurt—and when you are 18, they hurt a lot—having a friend to throw you a life preserver can make all the difference. Did Dharun’s tweets and the brief use of his webcam over a two-week period push Tyler off the bridge? Even the prosecution didn’t accuse him of causing the suicide. What Tyler’s family seemed most upset by, actually, was that Dharun didn’t take the time to know Tyler or to become his friend. That’s a failure that lies on more than one set of shoulders, although each and every failure adds up.

Which brings me back to my last conversation with Emily. For longer than I care to admit, I blamed myself for complaining so much about school that day, because it may have poured gasoline on the fire. I blamed myself for saying the wrong things instead of the right things. Today, as I replay the scene again, more than anything else, I blame myself for not listening.

In our national discussion about the tragedy of teen suicide, I think collectively too many of us are making the mistake of not listening. We cast blame, we exact punishments and we don’t look in the mirror. It’s Dharun’s fault. It’s the parents’ fault. It’s the school’s fault. Recently, I went back and reread an O’Henry story called “The Guilty Party.” Brilliantly, he contrasted who we give the blame to in our human courts and who really bears responsibility in the celestial scheme of things. Although really, the truth of it is, whenever someone takes his or her life, it’s everyone’s fault.

It is hard to be a teen. It always has been. It always will be. You are not a child. You are not an adult. You are under enormous pressure as you leave home for the first time. You do selfish and stupid things along with the good ones as you try to sort out the complicated business of trying to forge new friendships. You are 18—your frontal lobes are not fully developed, which means you make impulsive, rash decisions. You worry that you will never find people who care for you because of who you really are, you worry that if people know who you really are, they won’t care for you. You worry that you don’t belong, that you will never belong because you’re too fat, or because of the color of your skin, or your religion, your nationality, your sexual orientation.

I don’t have answers about Dharun or Tyler. I am just deeply troubled and disturbed with the answers dripping with hate and blame. Where is the love? Where is the forgiveness? When are we going to start listening and reaching out to everyone’s children?

I wish I could tell Emily that because of her I have become a different kind of writer than I dreamed of back when we talked on that subway train so many years ago. I write about kids a lot. I interview kids a lot. And when I interview them, I listen. I listen as hard as I can. I listen with everything I have in me for what they are saying between their words. I listen for Emily. 







 

Life Will Change

It Doesn't Last Forever

A year after a Westport teenager, Alye Pollack, posted a silent but powerful online video decrying bullying, she has posted another video saying that she no longer is a target for bullies and urges others who feel bullied to seek help and be confident that "You Are Loved."

Reprising the format of her video from March 2011, Alye Pollack, now a 14-year-old high school student, does not speak but holds up a series of hand-lettered messages that say, among other things, to bullying victims, "It Gets Better." That, Pollack writes, is true of her own life, which "has changed SOOOOO much" over the course of a year.

"I've made so many new friends and remain friends with the people that have accepted me, BUT it doesn't matter how many friends you have; only how good and supportive and accepting they are," Pollack writes in the video below.

 

 

That marks a sharp change from the teen's earlier video, as seen in my previous post "Words Do Hurt," in which she complained about being targeted by bullies. "I am bullied," she wrote at the time. "Not a day has gone by without one of these words ..." and the next sign listed insults and epithets she said she was called, including, "... Fat, Slut, Freak, Ugly ..."
 
One of the last signs in the March 2011 video that Pollack held in front of her camera read: "HELP" in large capital letters, followed by, "THINK before you say things. IT MIGHT SAVE ..." "LIVES," read the following sign.
 
The video, besides going viral online, brought widespread media attention to Pollack, who was then an eighth-grader at Bedford Middle School. She was interviewed about her anti-bullying plea by local and national press. 
 
Now, however, in the new video she says that she no longer feels bullied, but she "feels bad for the people who bully me because I know what they are saying IS NOT TRUE."
 
To others who may be targeted by bullies, Pollack urges them to stay strong and not to consider extremes like cutting themselves or ending their lives. "It Gets Better," a smiling Pollack assures them. "Be Yourself ... You are Loved ... You are Special." "Don't run away from your problems," she urges. "Face them head on and stand up for yourself ... Words hurt, but you don't have to let them."


Advice for parents:

• Empower your children.
• Be assertive.
• Call the bullies' parents.
• Be involved.
• Speak with your child's teachers to make sure there's an attitude that bullying will not be tolerated.

Advice for teachers:

• If one child is getting bullied, it needs to be everybody's business.
• Instill a value system in the classroom and on the playground that someone who sits silently and watches a bully is as guilty as the bully himself.
• Keep a spirit of inclusion and enforce it.

Remember:

Words can be just as harmful as physical violence and can cause lasting psychological damage to victims. The old adage, "Sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you!" is simply not true. Never try to handle a bully alone. Always go to a person with authority over the bully such as: a teacher, a principal, a school liaison officer or a parent. No matter what a bully threatens to do, you must tell somebody in a position of authority and your parents. Never suffer in silence. You are not alone. Athough it's hard, you must be strong and remember that this situation will not last forever--life will change.

Death of a Vancouver-Area Teenager

Death is not the answer

In recent years, a series of bullying-related suicides in the US and across the globe have drawn attention to the connection between bullying and suicide. Though too many adults still see bullying as "just part of being a kid," it is a serious problem that leads to many negative effects for victims, including suicide.

Below is a video of a teenager named Amanda Todd who committed suicide on Wednesday 10/10/12 in Coquitlam, Canada due to bullying.

       



ABC  covered the story in an article titled Bullied Teen Leaves Behind Chilling YouTube Video. Reporter--Christina NG-- explained that Amanda Todd, a fifteen year old teenager had posted a story to YouTube the previous month about being cyber-bullied. She was sadly found dead Wednesday night 10/10/12 in Coquitlam, Canada. Authorities believed that she committed suicide.

The website shows Amanda's video which tells a heart-wrenching story of the bullying she was subjected to -- both online and off. In 7th grade, she would go with friends on webcam to meet and talk to new people. At one point, a stranger flattered her into flashing the camera.
 
ABC reports that one year later, a man contacted Amanda on Facebook, threatening to send around the picture of her topless if she did not "put on a show." Terrifyingly, the stranger knew everything about her: her address, school, friends, relatives, and the names of her family members. Soon, her naked photo had been forwarded "to everyone."
 
Amanda developed anxiety, depression, and panic disorders, she wrote, followed by a path into drugs and alcohol.

ABC also reports that she changed schools and found a new group of friends in an effort to leave behind the bullies. Then the man created a Facebook profile, using her uncensored photo as his profile picture. She "cried every night, lost all my friends and respect people had for me again."

Soon after, the bullying started again and she began to cut herself. Amanda also wrote about how she made "a huge mistake" and "hooked up" with an old guy friend, who she really believed liked her.  Then a troop of girls, led by the boy's girlfriend, came and beat her up. "Kids filmed it," she writes. "I was all alone and left on the ground."

The video on ABC shows that Todd wrote that she "wanted to die so bad" when her dad found her in a ditch. When she got home she drank bleach in an attempt to kill herself, but was saved after a rushed trip to the hospital.

Amanda's bullying continued despite moving to a new city. Anti-depressants and counseling did little to combat the severe depression. The authorities were called on Oct. 10, 2012 to investigate the sudden death of the teenager.


Advice:

My message to any student being bullied is this. Do not be afraid to speak up. You do not have to face this alone. Just know that there have been many before you that have been bullied. High school is just a small fraction of your life. Allow yourself to move on from this, because there is so much more to your life to live. So many goals to be accomplished. So many dreams to be realized. Life can be painful at times. I’ve dealt with my own heartbreak, my own tragedies, my own mistakes, but always knew that it would get better and it did. Don’t ever give up. Suicide should never be one of your options. Suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. There have been too many tears shed over coffins that are too small.

Please don’t ever think that you need to kill yourself to escape your pain. Eleanor Roosevelt says it best that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Therefore, please don’t put your friends, family, and your parents through any pain of loss because their suffering will be everlasting when they lose you. Be strong. Life will get better. You just have to give it a chance.

ATTACK OF THE SCHOOL YARD BULLIES

KIDS WILL BE KIDS

What has the world come to?



The modern day notion of "Kids will be kids" truly knocks me off my feet. This is the beginning of the battle grounds for bullying. I am a single mother who has been fighting for my daughter’s right to attend school in a safe environment for the last 5 yrs. I can't tell you how sick it makes me feel to hear those words "kids will be kids". Its a cop out.

My daughter is ten years old and for someone who is so young, she has been through so much. The very first bullying incident that she was subjected to was when she was five years old in kindergarten. (The first of the many.). It started with one girl who verbally abused her and continued on for the next few years. As a parent we want to teach our children to stand up for themselves and learn how to handle different situations. So my first reaction, was to tell my daughter that she should answer the girl back and not let her get away with it. If all fails tell a teacher. This was my advice.

Needless to say, the bullying only got worse. On top of verbal abuse there was physical abuse by the kids. It's funny how life is, for it's bad enough that there was just the one girl but now we had a group of girls constantly abusing my daughter.  The one girl who began bullying my daughter ended up gathering more girls together to join in on the fun. Surprisingly, the administrative staff also played a part in the bullying on to my daughter and myself as well.

The situation was a mess. I was in the principal's office every single day. My daughter didn't have the confidence to tell the staff what was going on because they made her feel uncomfortable and always sided with the bullies. It seemed like the kids were running the school. Nothing was done for the first four years. Everything just got swept under a rug. No OORS reports were ever made by the school. No investigations were ever conducted. All they gave me was lip service. I even approached the parents and they too fed me nonsense of how sorry they were. The fact was that nothing was being done to stop the children's behavior to my daughter. Third grade was probably one of the worst years. It was happening every single day. The kids would always either hit her or harass her verbally when she was alone. The principal liked to call this the gray area. Since no one else was around to see it, there was nothing he could do. Her teacher at that time even instigated a fight between my daughter and one of the bullies.


  
                          





Can you imagine this?

A teacher telling a child that she should not be friends with another child. It's unbelievable, but it happened and the teacher admitted it to me. Even the assistant principal verbally harassed my daughter at school. One day she screamed at her in the morning, after I dropped her off , and sent her home to change shoes. My daughter was terrified. As I'm driving off, I see my nine year old daughter crying and running out of the building. Anything could have happened to her! Once a child is in school, they are responsible for the safety of that child.

Just in case you wanted to know:

There were no repercussions for the teacher's or the assistant principal's abusive actions. After I complained to the principal, I followed up with him regarding both incidents and all he said was that he talked with them.

It was very hard to get him to take action. He was so concerned with the fact that they were little girls. I went all the way to the top of the chain and contacted the superintendent. I informed her about the bullying incidents and the principal's incapability to put an end to the children's behavior for the past four years. I also let her know that one of the assistant principal's also expressed that his HANDS WERE TIED AND THERE WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO.

I felt that the administrative staff of the school was bullying me. It was not the school's finest hour. In the end the bullies were finally removed from the class.

This was no easy task and I always told my daughter that she was not alone. I stood by my daughter every step of the way, never faltering, and fought against what seemed to be a never ending nightmare.

Advice:

My advice to anyone in this type of situation is to always keep a log of everything that goes on. Keep track of names, dates, and incidents. This is your proof!

Remember:

Upon receiving a complaint, the school must issue OORS reports and conduct investigations as required by the Chancellor's Regs. Please tell someone about what is going on, for you do not have to deal with this on your own. Life will not always be like this.

FACTS REVEALED ABOUT BULLYING

Please read:
 

The facts on bullying reveal  that it is a growing problem among teens and children.
As seen by two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:       

• The Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System of 2011 from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that, 20% of students, nationally, in grades 9–12 experienced bullying.

• The School Crime Supplement  2008–2009 from the National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics shows that 28% of students, nationwide, in grades 6–12 experienced bullying.

Bullying can happen anywhere. Many children and teens are regular victims of bullying, which can lead to serious emotional scarring and problems with the victim's self-esteem and self-image. Correcting these behaviors before they start or get out of hand are important for parents and educators to keep in mind.


What are some types of bullying?

According to a governmental organization called Respect For All in nyc there are different types of bullying:

• Verbal. This type of bullying usually involves name calling and or teasing
• Social. Spreading rumors, intentionally leaving others out of activities on purpose, breaking up friendships are all examples of social bullying.
• Physical. This traditional form of bullying involves hitting, punching, shoving and other acts of intention physical harm.
• Cyberbullying. This method of bullying involves using the Internet, texting, email and other digital technologies to harm others.

I found this website: http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html#types  that provided me with a lot of information about bullying.  This was very insightful! 

More Facts on bullying:

• Imbalance of power. Typically those who engage in bully-like behaviors use their strength, popularity or power to harm, control or manipulate others. They will usually target those who are weaker in size or may have a difficult time defending themselves.
• Intent to cause harm. A bully is a person who does not do things by accident. The bully intends to physically or emotionally injure a person or group of persons.
• Repetition. Typically incidents of bullying are not a one-time thing. Bullies target the same person or group over and over again.

It is important for parents to discuss the facts on bullying with their children to help teach them how to watch out for bullying and to avoid being bullied.


Are there any typical signs depicted in victims?

There are several signs parents can look for when evaluating if your child is a victim of bullying.

• Comes home with unexplained injuries or with damaged or missing clothing or other belongings
• Has change in eating habits
• Makes excuses not to go to school
• Has fewer friends
• Feels helpless
• Talks about suicide
• Acts out of character
• Avoids certain places or playing outside alone
• Feels like they are not good enough
• Has trouble sleeping
• Blames themselves for their problems

What are the warning signs of those who are bullying others?

The facts on bullying also provide information on what types of signs to look for in children who might be bullying others.

• Becomes frequently violent
• Has trouble controlling anger
• Is manipulative and controlling of others and situations
• Is quick to blame others
• Does not accept responsibility for their actions
• Needs to win or be the best at everything

Understanding these warning signs can help parents prevent their children from becoming bullies or help them not become a victim of a bully. Counseling or therapy are good methods in helping to treat a child who exhibits symptoms of bullying. Children who are victims may also need some kind of support or counseling to help resolve underlying issues of emotional feelings of inadequacy. Children who are confident and have higher self-esteem are less likely to fall prey to the attacks of bullying.