Life Will Change

It Doesn't Last Forever

A year after a Westport teenager, Alye Pollack, posted a silent but powerful online video decrying bullying, she has posted another video saying that she no longer is a target for bullies and urges others who feel bullied to seek help and be confident that "You Are Loved."

Reprising the format of her video from March 2011, Alye Pollack, now a 14-year-old high school student, does not speak but holds up a series of hand-lettered messages that say, among other things, to bullying victims, "It Gets Better." That, Pollack writes, is true of her own life, which "has changed SOOOOO much" over the course of a year.

"I've made so many new friends and remain friends with the people that have accepted me, BUT it doesn't matter how many friends you have; only how good and supportive and accepting they are," Pollack writes in the video below.

 

 

That marks a sharp change from the teen's earlier video, as seen in my previous post "Words Do Hurt," in which she complained about being targeted by bullies. "I am bullied," she wrote at the time. "Not a day has gone by without one of these words ..." and the next sign listed insults and epithets she said she was called, including, "... Fat, Slut, Freak, Ugly ..."
 
One of the last signs in the March 2011 video that Pollack held in front of her camera read: "HELP" in large capital letters, followed by, "THINK before you say things. IT MIGHT SAVE ..." "LIVES," read the following sign.
 
The video, besides going viral online, brought widespread media attention to Pollack, who was then an eighth-grader at Bedford Middle School. She was interviewed about her anti-bullying plea by local and national press. 
 
Now, however, in the new video she says that she no longer feels bullied, but she "feels bad for the people who bully me because I know what they are saying IS NOT TRUE."
 
To others who may be targeted by bullies, Pollack urges them to stay strong and not to consider extremes like cutting themselves or ending their lives. "It Gets Better," a smiling Pollack assures them. "Be Yourself ... You are Loved ... You are Special." "Don't run away from your problems," she urges. "Face them head on and stand up for yourself ... Words hurt, but you don't have to let them."


Advice for parents:

• Empower your children.
• Be assertive.
• Call the bullies' parents.
• Be involved.
• Speak with your child's teachers to make sure there's an attitude that bullying will not be tolerated.

Advice for teachers:

• If one child is getting bullied, it needs to be everybody's business.
• Instill a value system in the classroom and on the playground that someone who sits silently and watches a bully is as guilty as the bully himself.
• Keep a spirit of inclusion and enforce it.

Remember:

Words can be just as harmful as physical violence and can cause lasting psychological damage to victims. The old adage, "Sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you!" is simply not true. Never try to handle a bully alone. Always go to a person with authority over the bully such as: a teacher, a principal, a school liaison officer or a parent. No matter what a bully threatens to do, you must tell somebody in a position of authority and your parents. Never suffer in silence. You are not alone. Athough it's hard, you must be strong and remember that this situation will not last forever--life will change.

Death of a Vancouver-Area Teenager

Death is not the answer

In recent years, a series of bullying-related suicides in the US and across the globe have drawn attention to the connection between bullying and suicide. Though too many adults still see bullying as "just part of being a kid," it is a serious problem that leads to many negative effects for victims, including suicide.

Below is a video of a teenager named Amanda Todd who committed suicide on Wednesday 10/10/12 in Coquitlam, Canada due to bullying.

       



ABC  covered the story in an article titled Bullied Teen Leaves Behind Chilling YouTube Video. Reporter--Christina NG-- explained that Amanda Todd, a fifteen year old teenager had posted a story to YouTube the previous month about being cyber-bullied. She was sadly found dead Wednesday night 10/10/12 in Coquitlam, Canada. Authorities believed that she committed suicide.

The website shows Amanda's video which tells a heart-wrenching story of the bullying she was subjected to -- both online and off. In 7th grade, she would go with friends on webcam to meet and talk to new people. At one point, a stranger flattered her into flashing the camera.
 
ABC reports that one year later, a man contacted Amanda on Facebook, threatening to send around the picture of her topless if she did not "put on a show." Terrifyingly, the stranger knew everything about her: her address, school, friends, relatives, and the names of her family members. Soon, her naked photo had been forwarded "to everyone."
 
Amanda developed anxiety, depression, and panic disorders, she wrote, followed by a path into drugs and alcohol.

ABC also reports that she changed schools and found a new group of friends in an effort to leave behind the bullies. Then the man created a Facebook profile, using her uncensored photo as his profile picture. She "cried every night, lost all my friends and respect people had for me again."

Soon after, the bullying started again and she began to cut herself. Amanda also wrote about how she made "a huge mistake" and "hooked up" with an old guy friend, who she really believed liked her.  Then a troop of girls, led by the boy's girlfriend, came and beat her up. "Kids filmed it," she writes. "I was all alone and left on the ground."

The video on ABC shows that Todd wrote that she "wanted to die so bad" when her dad found her in a ditch. When she got home she drank bleach in an attempt to kill herself, but was saved after a rushed trip to the hospital.

Amanda's bullying continued despite moving to a new city. Anti-depressants and counseling did little to combat the severe depression. The authorities were called on Oct. 10, 2012 to investigate the sudden death of the teenager.


Advice:

My message to any student being bullied is this. Do not be afraid to speak up. You do not have to face this alone. Just know that there have been many before you that have been bullied. High school is just a small fraction of your life. Allow yourself to move on from this, because there is so much more to your life to live. So many goals to be accomplished. So many dreams to be realized. Life can be painful at times. I’ve dealt with my own heartbreak, my own tragedies, my own mistakes, but always knew that it would get better and it did. Don’t ever give up. Suicide should never be one of your options. Suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. There have been too many tears shed over coffins that are too small.

Please don’t ever think that you need to kill yourself to escape your pain. Eleanor Roosevelt says it best that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Therefore, please don’t put your friends, family, and your parents through any pain of loss because their suffering will be everlasting when they lose you. Be strong. Life will get better. You just have to give it a chance.

Words Do Hurt

". . . but words will hurt me !"

A 13-year-old girl apparently bullied by her peers had taken her plight to YouTube. She posted a haunting video that describes the alleged torment suffered at a Connecticut middle school.

Alye Pollack, an eighth-grader at Bedford Middle School in Westport, Conn., uploaded the video, titled "Words are worse than Sticks and Stones." As of now, the three-minute clip has more than 705,420 views.

Pollack, who does not speak in the homemade video below, is seen holding up signs recounting the alleged bullying endured at the hands of her classmates. The signs read, "I am bullied. Not a day has gone by without one of these words -- 'bitch,' 'whore,' 'fat, 'lesbo,' 'slut,' 'freak,' ugly,' 'weird,' fag." Pollack writes, "I don't cut but I'm close. I'm in therapy/guidance more than my classes." Another sign reads, "Think before you say things. It might save lives."

 



This is definitely a cry for help. Alye's action was a great way for her not only to ventilate but a way to get help. It's not easy but one must never give up hope for a better future. It's always darkest before the dawn. (I know it sounds like a cliche but it's true). Never stop asking for help. One should always put themself first and if you are not getting the proper help from one school staff member, you should then talk to someone else. Don't stop talking about the problems of bullying because one person may not take you seriously. Keep talking until you find someone that will give you the proper attention needed to make the bullying stop.

4 Ways to Stop a Child From Bullying

Every child experiences teasing from peers or siblings from time to time. But when that teasing turns to taunting, becomes relentless or results in physical violence, it is bullying. Bullying is a serious problem for kids of all ages. Most kids are afraid to tell their parents if they are bullied for fear of retribution from the bully. If your child is being bullied, there are steps you can take to help him/her cope with it and to stop the bully from bullying your child.

4 ways to stop bullying:

1. Listen to your child when he tells you about his experiences with the bully. Ask him questions in order to determine when the bullying happens, how it happens, and if anyone else might have witnessed it. Encourage your child by letting him know that you support him; never criticize him or make him feel responsible in some way for the bullying. Gather as much information about the bully and the bullying as you can so that you will be well-prepared to help make it stop.
2. Contact an official at your child's school. If the bullying happens in a classroom, start with your son's teacher. If the bullying occurs in other areas of the school, call a school counselor, assistant principal or principal. Try to keep your emotional reaction to the bullying out of your conversation with this person. Do not make judgments about the boy who is bullying your son; simply report the bullying and give as many factual details as you can about when and where the bullying takes place.
3. Follow up. Do not assume that one phone call to the school will be sufficient. Continue to talk to your child about the bullying to find out if he has any more encounters with the bully. If the other boy continues to bully your son, call the school again and explain that you expect them to take steps to stop this from happening.
4. If your child's safety seems to be in danger because of the bully, contact the legal authorities. Now, many states have bullying laws put into effect. The police or other authorities might be able to help you and your child deal with the bullying in a legal fashion.

Tips: 
Resist the temptation to contact the bully's parents directly. This could make the situation worse; it is best to let the school contact them instead. Then if you really want to meet with them, a school official might be able to mediate such a meeting. Never encourage your child to fight the bully. This only escalates the severity of the situation.

How to Deal With Adult Emotional Bullies

We're all grown up now, aren't we?

The word "bullying" conjures up images of the big kid pushing around the little kid on the playground and taking his lunch. Unfortunately, adults bully too. Although adult bullying also may be physical, it often appears in the more insidious form of emotional bullying. An emotional bully psychologically attacks you through actions including threatening, mocking, embarrassing and ignoring you. There are multiple steps that you can take to disarm an adult emotional bully.

• Ignore the bully. Bullies are trying to dominate and gain power. By choosing not to engage with their emotional abuse, you take away the opportunity for them to gain more power. You may either pretend you did not hear them or choose to leave the room. Because you are not rewarding your bully with a reaction, you may even find more positive behavior coming from the bully. Ignoring someone who is purposefully trying to invoke anger, rage and tears can be very emotionally difficult, so you may need to take more drastic measures.
• Use humor to deflect the situation. Many times adult emotional bullies use tactics such as sarcasm, name-calling or incessant teasing to put you down. If you are skilled at thinking on your feet, consider a sarcastic or witty comeback. Using self-deprecating humor or putting yourself down before the bully can come up with an insult also takes away his power.
• Directly confront your bully. Be assertive and confidently speak to your bully while looking her in the eye and firmly telling her, "Stop teasing me or mocking me." You also may share your feelings with your bully at this time by using "I" statements. For example, "I want you to quit mocking me" or "I feel disrespected when you ignore me." It is important to remember that bullies bully because of their own anger and insecurity issues. You may not get a response but do not take it personally. She most likely interacts this way with many others.
• Enlist outside help. If you have tried all other angles, it is necessary to ask someone to help you with the bully. If you are being emotionally abused at the workplace, talk to your supervisor or another authority figure. If you are being bullied by an acquaintance, ask your friends to support you. Make social plans that exclude the bully or force him to engage in a positive manner.

Tips:

If you must report adult emotional bullying in the workplace, be sure to keep a journal before going to your supervisor or boss. Record the dates, times and specifics of each bullying incident so you are armed with solid facts with which your bully cannot argue. If you choose to verbally engage with your bully, be careful of erratic behavior that may turn dangerous.

 

 


 

Beyond the School Yard!

The book, Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard, is very informative!

I came across this book called Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard by Dr. Sameer Hinduja and Justin W. Patchin, Ph.D.  At first, I was a little leery about the book because I felt that it may just be another story about bullying with limited information. I was really looking for a book about bullying that truly provided me with insightful facts that would help me.

This book is divided into seven chapters that provide a concise analysis and summary of the current state of knowledge regarding cyberbullying. The first half of the book engages in such matters as the explosive nationwide growth of teen Internet activities, how cyberbullying is different from other instances of bullying, and the debilitating effects cyberbullying can have on youngsters. The authors' first-hand research on cyberbullying, outlined in Chapters 3 and 4, is compelling. In the largest project of its kind, Hinduja and Patchin conducted a survey of student online behavior among 2,000 middle-school children randomly selected from one of the largest school districts in the United States. They found that 17.3 % had been cyberbullied at least once in their lifetime, 17.6% admitted to cyberbullying others at some point in their lifetime, and 12% reported being both a victim and perpetrator of cyberbullying. The authors also discuss the findings of a study they conducted on how teens are representing themselves and interacting with others on Internet social networking sites. Aside from their own path-breaking research, Hinduja and Patchin draw together in a clear and meaningful way the current research on youth centered correlates of cyberbullying such as age, gender, and race. They also meld personal stories of cyberbully victims with a detailed examination of the motivations of youth who cyberbully and the communication media they use to harass victims.
 

The second half of the book is extremely thorough in providing an overview of legal issues confronting school officials in responding to cyberbullying incidents as well as offering practical suggestions to educators for putting anti-cyberbullying rules in place in the school setting. Hinduja and Patchin skillfully examine current legislative measures states are adopting to curb cyberbullying and discuss shifting case law interpretations of the right of school officials to restrict student speech or behavior and to control what students do off campus. They present this material in a clear, non-technical manner, avoiding the use of specialized legal terms. To their credit, the authors offer a succinct breakdown of the essential components of a comprehensive cyberbullying policy for school districts. The treatment of this subject is a good example of the clearness and thoroughness of the book. As with earlier chapters, the authors support their writing with ample scholarly citations (over 228 citations). A rich resource section at the end of the book contains a wide range of helpful exercises and practical information for educators, parents, and youths on preventing and responding to cyberbullying, including tools and strategies for helping children who are targets of cyberbullying.

In sum, this book delivers on its title by providing a comprehensive pathway for understanding a new form bullying unlike the usual school yard variety. It is a scholarly work that is engaging, passionately written, and well documented. Each chapter is clear and concise and one can easily envision this book as a master reference text for researchers, educators, law enforcement professionals, and parents who are concerned with bullying through the use of technology. It represents an innovative work by two gifted scholars.

Sticks and Stones

 

 I find myself struggling tremendously with the book Sticks And Stones, written by Emily Bazelon, which has received quite good reviews.

One thing that is quite confusing is the "great equalizing" of bully and bullied. Yes, I imagine many bullies are depressed themselves, and I'm sure many are also suffering from other issues. But the notion that a bully and a bullied child suffer equally is simply wrong. A bullied child learns fear, dreads school, comes to believe that no one can help, and often becomes socially withdrawn. The fact that a bullied child may recover from this (which Bazelon seems to suggest) is nice, but why (in a society where every kid has to win a trophy and every child has to have an equal part in a school play) is protecting children from bullies that one thing that seems to make so many people talk about "equalization?"

Moreover, I found Bazelon's notion that most buillies "grow out of it naturally" is completely wrong. Not sure how many workplaces she's been in, but there are always plenty of grown-up bullies on display. Did they just suddenly decide to become bullies for their 30th or 40th birthday? Probably not -- they probably learned many lessons of intimidation on the playground.

While I was student teaching, I found many cases of bullying and the teacher held meetings with parents of bullies, and 80% of time those parents said one of two things: "My child is not a bully" (no matter how many notes or proof a teacher offered) or, much sadder, "I know he is a bully but I have no control over him." The idea that parents are not involved in how their children grow is bizarre, and unless a parent of a bully steps in to assist in guiding his or her child, school alone simply cannot help.

But the hypothesis that is truly unsettling to me is the idea that children should not be protected from the bullies, so they can develop "problem solving skills." Throughout history, there have always been people who have suggested that the only way to deal with a bully is to actually punch them out in public, but other than beating up your bully, exactly how is a child supposed to "problem solve" a bully away? If parents or schools can't stop the bully, and the bully will not stop himself or herself, how exactly is the bullied child supposed to do it?



 

One thing I do agree with: the idea of "mediation" -- putting the bullied and the bully together to try to talk it out -- is absurb. Again, why is the bullied child forced to carry so much of this burden? Why can't more be done to stop bullying and phase it out of school life?

Bazelon's book is readable and has some interesting insights, but I'm just terribly uncomfortable with some of her research.

 

FACTS REVEALED ABOUT BULLYING

Please read:
 

The facts on bullying reveal  that it is a growing problem among teens and children.
As seen by two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:       

• The Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System of 2011 from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that, 20% of students, nationally, in grades 9–12 experienced bullying.

• The School Crime Supplement  2008–2009 from the National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics shows that 28% of students, nationwide, in grades 6–12 experienced bullying.

Bullying can happen anywhere. Many children and teens are regular victims of bullying, which can lead to serious emotional scarring and problems with the victim's self-esteem and self-image. Correcting these behaviors before they start or get out of hand are important for parents and educators to keep in mind.


What are some types of bullying?

According to a governmental organization called Respect For All in nyc there are different types of bullying:

• Verbal. This type of bullying usually involves name calling and or teasing
• Social. Spreading rumors, intentionally leaving others out of activities on purpose, breaking up friendships are all examples of social bullying.
• Physical. This traditional form of bullying involves hitting, punching, shoving and other acts of intention physical harm.
• Cyberbullying. This method of bullying involves using the Internet, texting, email and other digital technologies to harm others.

I found this website: http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html#types  that provided me with a lot of information about bullying.  This was very insightful! 

More Facts on bullying:

• Imbalance of power. Typically those who engage in bully-like behaviors use their strength, popularity or power to harm, control or manipulate others. They will usually target those who are weaker in size or may have a difficult time defending themselves.
• Intent to cause harm. A bully is a person who does not do things by accident. The bully intends to physically or emotionally injure a person or group of persons.
• Repetition. Typically incidents of bullying are not a one-time thing. Bullies target the same person or group over and over again.

It is important for parents to discuss the facts on bullying with their children to help teach them how to watch out for bullying and to avoid being bullied.


Are there any typical signs depicted in victims?

There are several signs parents can look for when evaluating if your child is a victim of bullying.

• Comes home with unexplained injuries or with damaged or missing clothing or other belongings
• Has change in eating habits
• Makes excuses not to go to school
• Has fewer friends
• Feels helpless
• Talks about suicide
• Acts out of character
• Avoids certain places or playing outside alone
• Feels like they are not good enough
• Has trouble sleeping
• Blames themselves for their problems

What are the warning signs of those who are bullying others?

The facts on bullying also provide information on what types of signs to look for in children who might be bullying others.

• Becomes frequently violent
• Has trouble controlling anger
• Is manipulative and controlling of others and situations
• Is quick to blame others
• Does not accept responsibility for their actions
• Needs to win or be the best at everything

Understanding these warning signs can help parents prevent their children from becoming bullies or help them not become a victim of a bully. Counseling or therapy are good methods in helping to treat a child who exhibits symptoms of bullying. Children who are victims may also need some kind of support or counseling to help resolve underlying issues of emotional feelings of inadequacy. Children who are confident and have higher self-esteem are less likely to fall prey to the attacks of bullying.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Life!

Why is bullying such a problem? It's just child's play. Kids being kids.

Unfortunately, this is the mentality of many people. It's not just kids being kids. The act of bullying may fall under many different forms but the end results are all the same. Bullying is abuse. No one should be mistreated under any circumstance. Everyone deserves the right to attend school, the park, or any public facility SAFELY.

Amazingly, bullying has become a common occurrence. It rears its head more and more in the forefront of everyday activies. This is a serious social problem that has to be addressed. Remedies must be put into place. Recently, it has been found that the law is inadequate to handle cases of bullying. For instance, there are no laws to stop and prosecute the perpetrator for the use of technology, such as the internet or texting, for malice acts and abuse.



 

 

 

 

What do you think about the video? 

Haynes (vicitim) has become a world wide hero. Unfortunately, this boy is a victim of bullying. Enough is enough and in the end the bully got his just desserts.


I must say that I am not an expert on the study of bullying but I have had experience in dealing with this issue due to horrific offences committed onto my daughter and myself. If there is anything that one may learn from my blog it's that bullying is NOT a permisseable action, for nobody deserves to be abused. There are consequences for one's actions and it should not be overlooked.