A Rite of Passage

 

What would you call a kick to the backside that catapults a ten-year-old boy across the classroom? Normal? What about a twelve-year-old snipping off the ponytail of her unsuspecting ex-best friend? All in good fun? Or what if a handicapped boy was being repeatedly ridiculed by a group of his classmates? Would you call it kids' play?

Unfortunately, these types of rite-of-passage behaviors are occurring day in and day out in schools across the country. And with approximately 30 percent of kids engaged in bullying or being bullied, there is a real chance your child could be among them.

And even if your child is one of the lucky ones and isn't a target of verbal aggression, physical assault, or peer rejection, your child will undoubtedly witness (as 70 percent of children do) many such events throughout his years in school. Bullying is a serious problem; one that can, and does, affect every student. Bullied kids may suffer anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and academic difficulties.

In the long term, kids who bully are at higher risk of depression and relational issues, and have higher rates of adult criminal behavior. And bystanders who witness bullying behavior feel ill equipped to intervene, and yet feel guilty for not helping.

Picture this: your child comes home from school with a black eye and a bruised lip. Would you dismiss it by saying, “Don't worry about it, kiddo. Everyone goes through it”? Probably not; you would be dialing the principal before you even grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer.


Below a film is displayed with an anti-bullying message. One of the stars of this film is Alex Libby. He used to be bullied. But Alex is now being presented as a confident teenager with high self-esteem. This video serves as a preview to “The Bully Effect.” It was added to the CNN website on February 25, 2013.

Libby gives speeches in various places as a part of an anti-bullying program. You can see him giving a portion of one of his speeches in this preview clip. He says a lot of shy kids are afraid of being themselves because they fear getting bullied. But what he learned is that that is the bully’s problem, not his.

Three years earlier, he was in a different documentary called “Bully.” Alex was relentlessly bullied at that time. Some of this was caught on camera, and you can also see portions of that doc in this CNN video. He said he pretty much lost all feeling and interest in life at that time except depression.

 

It is heartbreaking to hear and see Alex's story. His life is a rude awakening of the cruelty of kids and yet not enough seems to be done. Somehow, a large percentage of the population continues to downplay and discount the seriousness of the bullying problem. Stripped of all the misconceptions— "it's harmless," misrepresentations — "it's just a little roughhousing," and excuses — "it's hard to tell what's really happening between kids on the playground," bullying is still abuse. Just because the violence happens between children doesn't make it any less serious. In fact, it can make it more so because of a child's developing sense of self.

All of this is happening in the one place (besides your home) that your children should feel safe; in the hallowed halls of school, where your child should be focused on growing and learning and socializing with his peers. He shouldn't be worried about when he will get the next sucker punch or wedgie ripper. Also, he shouldn't have to worry about being attacked in the bathroom or stuffed in a locker. Ultimately, he shouldn't have to worry about being in school—at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sticks and Stones

 

 I find myself struggling tremendously with the book Sticks And Stones, written by Emily Bazelon, which has received quite good reviews.

One thing that is quite confusing is the "great equalizing" of bully and bullied. Yes, I imagine many bullies are depressed themselves, and I'm sure many are also suffering from other issues. But the notion that a bully and a bullied child suffer equally is simply wrong. A bullied child learns fear, dreads school, comes to believe that no one can help, and often becomes socially withdrawn. The fact that a bullied child may recover from this (which Bazelon seems to suggest) is nice, but why (in a society where every kid has to win a trophy and every child has to have an equal part in a school play) is protecting children from bullies that one thing that seems to make so many people talk about "equalization?"

Moreover, I found Bazelon's notion that most buillies "grow out of it naturally" is completely wrong. Not sure how many workplaces she's been in, but there are always plenty of grown-up bullies on display. Did they just suddenly decide to become bullies for their 30th or 40th birthday? Probably not -- they probably learned many lessons of intimidation on the playground.

While I was student teaching, I found many cases of bullying and the teacher held meetings with parents of bullies, and 80% of time those parents said one of two things: "My child is not a bully" (no matter how many notes or proof a teacher offered) or, much sadder, "I know he is a bully but I have no control over him." The idea that parents are not involved in how their children grow is bizarre, and unless a parent of a bully steps in to assist in guiding his or her child, school alone simply cannot help.

But the hypothesis that is truly unsettling to me is the idea that children should not be protected from the bullies, so they can develop "problem solving skills." Throughout history, there have always been people who have suggested that the only way to deal with a bully is to actually punch them out in public, but other than beating up your bully, exactly how is a child supposed to "problem solve" a bully away? If parents or schools can't stop the bully, and the bully will not stop himself or herself, how exactly is the bullied child supposed to do it?



 

One thing I do agree with: the idea of "mediation" -- putting the bullied and the bully together to try to talk it out -- is absurb. Again, why is the bullied child forced to carry so much of this burden? Why can't more be done to stop bullying and phase it out of school life?

Bazelon's book is readable and has some interesting insights, but I'm just terribly uncomfortable with some of her research.